I know this one well as my parents taught this to me at an early age. I was taught that to have people like you was important.
This was reinforced by comments from my parents like “Don’t do that, what will people think of you” and also by their comments and judgements about other people’s behaviour. So I thought that all people talked about me and judged my behaviour as well.
To get people to think I was a good person and for them to like me became a goal in my life. I thought that’s just what you do. My parents may not agree that it was their motive to teach me this but their words, actions, comments and behaviour certainly did and, I believe, confirmed their underlying belief. If I was to say and do things that other people agreed with, I would be seen to be a good person. To not disagree or do anything that somebody could judge you on seemed to be very important to me.
I questioned this belief later in life. Was it really one of my goals in life to get people to like me? Probably not.
Was the people pleasing just another way of surviving in a harsh world, a world where there seemed to be lots of judgements, comparisons, opinions and beliefs on how we should or should not behave and live our lives. People pleasing seemed to be just another way to feel loved, cared for, understood and listened to, which would ultimately make us feel okay about ourselves.
Which brings up another question: Why did I need to feel loved, cared for, understood and heard to make me feel okay about myself?
I remember being a different person in different circles of friends. I would be a certain character with my rugby friends, I was a certain character with my army mates, I was a certain character with my old school friends, I was a certain character with girls, I was a certain character with older people and friends of my parents. And they all seemed to like me, well I think they did. I had lots of friends from many circles who didn’t know each other.
I remember my Taiji teacher at the time asking me: “What would happen if you were the same person in all these groups?”
And I remember my reply vividly, I said, “they wouldn’t like me”. He said “Is it your goal to get everybody to like you?” and I said, “Yes”. He then said “What if they don’t like you” and I said (and I cringe writing this down), “Well I can make them like me”. It was like a lead balloon when I heard these words come out of my mouth. I was so embarrassed, I couldn’t believe I just said that, but I did and I believed it, too. Who were these people really liking? The person I made up or the one they could see underneath that? Why didn’t I think I was good enough just being myself and for that matter, who was the real me anyway? Which one of these characters that I portrayed was the real me or was I none of them, was I someone else? I remember the actor Peter Sellars saying that he had acted in so different parts that he had trouble remembering what his true character was.
Who was the real me behind all these masks? Can the real Peter Caughey stand up? I would have, if I could but I didn’t really know who that was at that time. So I set about discovering who I am. I decided to ask my family and friends, which took some courage and revealed some interesting aspects of myself that I couldn’t see.
I did some reading and discovered that there were many parts to my personality and character but they all had a common thread running through all of them, which was essentially me. I quite often suggest to people to go to different online sites if they want to have a glimpse of their possible character traits:
You can get your astrological chart done online. There is a free shorter version or a more complex paid version on http://www.astro.com, or if you would like a hard copy of a book, click here.
Then work out your Mayan astrology here, click on the Dreamspell Calculator.
Or if you would like a hard copy of a book, click here: Mayan Calendar Astrology: Mapping Your Inner Cosmos.
Then check your numerology on a website by Dan Millman – click here, if you would like a hard copy of Dan Millman’s book, click here: The Life You Were Born to Live: Finding Your Life Purpose.
Then read about you character traits associated to the day you were born in the ‘Secret Language of Birthdays’ or if you would like a hard copy of the book, click here.
By the time you have visited these sites and read all these books, you will have a good overview of your possible character and then you can confirm it by asking your friends, they will know who you are. Welcome to you. I’m not saying that you don’t know who you are, I just believe it’s good to learn more about yourself and your possibilities.
I don’t think it’s easy not to want people to like you, I’m just saying that there may be an easier way of feeling better about yourself than basing your self-image on what other people think of you. It reminds me of that old saying, which you may have heard: ‘What other people think of you is none of your business’.
Even on Facebook the term ‘Like’ is used. You ‘Like’ a comment or you ‘Like’ a photo or you ‘Like’ a Facebook page. It’s difficult not to like being liked.
I’m working on not needing people to like me, but I still catch myself doing it. Old needs and habits take a while to break sometimes. I believe the more I like myself and accept myself for who I am, warts and all, the less I need others to like me. There is a beautiful freedom in that.
One of my affirmations that I say each day is:
I hope you like this blog.
Or not.
Cheers,
Pete C
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